But I could have told you, Vincent...

Happy New Years! I hope you are all safe tonight.
I'm just looking forward to Friday. Cruise, here I come!

To wrap up the year, go to the first entry of each month and copy and past in the first line or two from your posts. Or, to make it really interesting, or if you don't post too much, like me, copy and paste in the first few lines of every entry you've got for the year. It's interesting.

( Oh 2008 )

I would say I'm glad 2008 will be over soon. I will forever remember and hate/love this year. I wish it had never happened. And yet, I can't wish things like that. Every experience, no matter how terrible (or especially the terrible ones) shapes you. You learn. You gain knowledge about the world and yourself. Even if it isn't good stuff. Even if you hate the knowledge and what it does to you. You wouldn't be who you are without all the good and all the bad. So I hate it. But I can't trade it. So why bother wishing for it. Even though as I read through even just the first few sentences I was yelling at myself inside not to have gone to Colorado. To not do it. You'll regret it forever. But you can't go back in time to warn yourself. Or nothing bad would ever happen. And every experience, no matter how terrible...

So I would say I'm glad. But I'm not. It only means time keeps going and there are more experiences to learn. Whether you want to or not. I'm terrified of what they might be. Right now my glass is half empty. I've lost my shiny newness for good. It's not coming back.

Maybe I'll get in one more positive post before the end of the year.

It's a winter wonderland outside! YAY!
Went out for a bit last night to see a comedian with Tracy and Ashley (plus Ashley's many friends) and then on to Killarney's where we met up with Mel and hoped to meet up with Phai. Had a drink there. Then got sick of the bar and decided to head to Steak N Shake as Tracy and I never really had dinner. And there we met up with Phai. She had been busy with the Myszka's Christmas dinner party.
On the way from the bar to the car, the rain was starting to turn snowy. Then by the time we got to Steak n Shake it was pure snow. And it was falling rather thickly. And now a silvery morning! Looks like about 3 inches. Oh happiness! I hope that since we're getting such snow early this year, we'll have a white Christmas too. That hasn't happened since middle school for me.
So I'm happy.

I start my new job tomorrow. I got the job through AmeriCorps and the Illinois Public Health Association. I'll be working at the McLean County Health Department for the next 11 months. Oh so much involved! But I'm really looking forward to it. I'm so grateful to have a real job now! IT only took me 2 months to get one.... Good lord. And this first week will be interesting. I told the 'Mo I'd still help them out, but just for this week for now. So it's 8-4:30 at the MCHD and then 5:30-8 at the Alamo. Oh joy. But it's only for one week, unless it's ok and I tell them I can do it another week. It's buyback and that's why they are staying open late and need the help. But I'm predicting exhaustion. We'll see.

I hope you liked this first update since god knows when.

I know I haven't written anything about me in a while. I've turned into a bit of a hermit. I'll be working on remedying that. Give me a little bit.

This is really cool. Check out how the world would vote in our election.

If the world could vote?

Posted using ShareThis

I'm loving certain celebrities right now.



Illinois' deadline for voter registration is October 7th.

In case you haven't heard, Gov. Blagojevich has decided to close 11 of Illinois' State Parks to help in balancing the budget. There is an online petition started by the Lt. Governor of Illinois, Pat Quinn, to stop the closing of these parks on November 1st. If you go to the link below it provides a map and a listing of all 11 parks and the petition to sign. You can view the petition and add your own words. At the bottom of the page it provides news links about the closures and links to other petitions and online groups. This petition is for Illinois residents only. If you are not an Illinois resident, there are other links to other petitions not requiring you to be a resident.
If any of you have visited any of these parks, you know how valuable they are. They are not just a hunk of land. They are a haven, a way to get in touch with nature, a way to do something fun at low cost. I myself have hiked, camped and cross-country skiied in Moraine View. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. And I want the ability to make more of them.
In a time when the importance of envirnmental conservation and the effort of doing things "green" has finally come to the forefront of our consciousness, how can we let Gov. Blogjevich close these beautiful parks? We should be protecting this land and enjoying it's natural beauty, not selling it off just because Gov. Blagojevich can't control the state's budget.
I understand the budget needs to be balanced. This has been a problem for many years. Now he thinks he holds the answer in destroying our parks? It is not worth the cost. Not worth the loss of wonderful land, the jobs of park workers, the buisness it brings to local communities, the happiness and health of the people of Illinois. I'd rather see the Govenor's salary lowered, or any of the state lawmakers'.
I feel Gov. Blagojevich is out of touch with his constituents who live downstate. Perhaps if Gov. Blagojevich went running through one of these parks, instead of through his Chicago subdivision's streets, he might acquire an appreciation for the beauty and usefulness of these parks. But then I remember that he never leaves Chicago. Even though the capital of Illinois is Springfield.
So please join me on saying "No" to Gov. Blagojevich and letting him know just how we feel.
Thank you.
~Kate
http://standingupforillinois.org/saveourparks/index.php
 
Please pass this on to anyone you think might like to join in, or anyone who might not understand how important these places are to us, through e-mail or reposting on your lj. The more people who sign, the better. If you are no longer an Illinois resident, try signing the petition with your old Illinois address and see if it will let you sign. I think after living in Illinois for many years and enjoying these  parks, it should give you the right to sign. If not though, below is a link to another petition. There is also a Facebook group called "Save Moraine View State Park".
 http://www.gopetition.com/online/21603.html

Here's a link to Illinois' Parks and Recreation Dept. online. You can look up all the parks and recreation areas, then get out there and enjoy them!
http://dnr.state.il.us/lands/landmgt/PARKS/index.htm

Allo again!
I'm back to feeling good. Life is so much less stressful with out Lee and the summer staff in general. I enjoy the older ladies of the fall staff. Most are married, but independent. Awesome women. And many of them have had so great life experiences. 6 months in a Tibetan Buddhist temple and working for the Tibetan cause. And older woman, Rosamond, was a good part of the women's liberation movement in the 60s. Even though she was married to a conservative minister at the time. They ended up divorced, but it's not so surprising. She has a lot of stories.
Mom and Spring visited all of last week. We hiked A LOT. 13 miles on Tuesday which was originally up the North Inlet, but because of stubborn moose, we ended up the East Inlet trail instead. Man was that steep after a while. Then Wednesday we went on a staff hike to go see Bowen Lake up on the tundra. Very awesome. I love staff hikes. Everyone's so happy and working together well. Thursday we went and visited Spring's daughter who just moved to Denver area about 2 months ago. It was a really nice visit. We borrowed Dylan's beat up old Dodge Ram to get there. It was a great adventure. Friday Spring and I went and got massages in town. Oh man was that nice. Mom's planning on getting one when she goes back home because she has a gift certificate for it. Saturday before they left we went up the North Inlet (sans moose this time) to Cascade Falls. The whole week was great. Exhausting, but lots of fun. I could totally see mom coming back to Shadowcliff and becoming part of "the old ladies" fall staff some day. All the staff liked both of them a lot. We cooked chili for dinner one night. That was a lot of fun to share with everyone. We all took turns making dinner while our chef was gone. We ate well despite Jeff's absence.
I've only got one month left and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest. It's too bad I couldn't really enjoy it so much till now. I think seeing mom has calmed me. And I've moved past missing Lee despite how much we were wrong for each other. And I know what's waiting for me at home- looking for a job. So I'm going to enjoy the freedom I have here while I have it. Home might also be a bit difficult because dad won't be there waiting for me. So I'm going to enjoy the detachment Shadowcliff offers me from having to deal with missing dad at every turn. When I'm home he'll be all around me. Here, I can live a bit of a separate life. But I'll prep myself for dealing with that too so I'm not completely lost when I get there.
Hopefully I'll be heading down south to Colorado Springs/ Garden of the Gods area with Libby on the 1st of October. That's when we'll be free and I'll have 3 days to do whatever till my flight out on the 4th. Maybe down to the Sand Dunes national park too. And whatever else on the way. Sounds good to me.

Today I decided I needed to get out and go somewhere. Yet I know my hips are not as big a fan of hiking as the rest of me is. The pain usually lasts for a couple days after doing real hiking. Not enjoyable.
So I decided to go over to the east shore of Grand Lake since I had never been there.
It's a very nice area. I walked through the town to Point Park and stopped for a bit under the tree and snacked. Then I found a little path and kept walking along the water. I can across a woman sitting on her back porch and I feared I was on private property and could get in trouble so I asked. She was a sweet old woman, probably in her 80s. She told me it was no problem and I was free to come and go. I thanked her and kept walking. I ran into a fence after not too long that she had warned me about so I looked around then turned back. She was still outside, had a hand saw in hand and we stopped to talk for a bit. She told me her great-grandfather had built their cabin and various other little things. We parted ways again. But I stopped to look at her gorgeous old house and turned around to ask her more about it.  The date over the door is 1896. And It's a beautiful example of Rocky Mountain Rustic. This is where the outside of the cabin walls are covered with the lodgepole pines cut flat. So the outsides are covered in the bark, which gets peely and dark over time. It's very unique. And this cabin had beautiful wood designs that are hard for me to describe. Often the older houses will have aesthetic little touches to them. A little sunburst motif of small lodgepole sticks and so forth. I'll have to take a picture to show you.
Robin Yeats is her name and she invited me back and I invited her up to Shadowcliff. I plan on seeing her again. She's very sweet and full of history of Grand Lake and family stories. I can't wait to go back! It's wonderful to make new friends.
I think the downpour has passed. I'll head back up to Shadowcliff now.

The Beatles Invented Twitter
07:15 Woke up, fell out of bed. #
07:25 Dragged a comb across my head.#
07:41 Found my way downstairs and drank a cup.#
07:45 Looking up I noticed I was late.#
07:47 Found my coat and grabbed my hat.#
07:49 Made the bus in seconds flat.#
10:48 Found my way upstairs and had a smoke.#
13:36 Somebody spoke and I went into a dream.#

Thanks imgomez

In a short while I shall be going up the East Inlet trail to see some natural beauty. Then I've got night desk at 5. Sounds like a wonderful day. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to borrow Dylan's car for a little trip into Granby alone. Looking forward to some alone time while running pleasant errands. And then Thursday I've got the day off and Dylan and I will hopefully be kayaking together. I've never kayaked before and he will teach me. And it's supposed to be a gorgeous day. Yay for getting on the water!
This will certainly be a good week. I don't even have kitchen duty because we are group free for a week! Ah the stillness and the group bonding among staff...

It ended. And Saturday was a bit sad.
But when I got back, I changed the linens on my bed, added a warm blanket, changed the bedspread for a happy quilt, and I am much happier. It hurt while I was changing everything and then cleaning everything meticulously. But my room is mine again. No one else's. Lee is not there anymore. And I am better for it. We were not meant to be in any way. We were too different. And I think we only stayed together because it would've been too difficult to work together and be broken up.
I've learned that summer romances are not for me. When I date, if I really like someone, I am more serious about it. I don't think I've ever been able to date just for fun and really enjoyed it. I spend too much time worrying and stressing and not knowing how to behave. I can't date like that. I need someone who can be the same level of serious that I am, wherever that is. And Lee was certainly not it. We constantly offended one another, I did not feel very respected, and our ideas of how to show affection (or whether or not to at all) were very different. I felt a constant low-grade level of stress, thinking about what might go wrong between us every day. We couldn't ever have real conversations either. That relationship was not good for me. Lee has good qualities and we had fun times together, but it wasn't enough to make up for the rest of it. We are both much better off without each other.
So now I want to focus on getting outside more, doing more reading and knitting, and getting to know myself and the rest of the new staff. I was expecting a whole week, at least, of depression. But I haven't felt that way yet. And I'm hoping it doesn't show up at all. I know there will be other hard nights to come, but hopefully few and far between.
Whew.

I miss myself.

I had to go back to old posts and read them to remember how happy I had been almost all the time. Before Dad died. Before he even had cancer. Before James and I broke up. Despite the fact that James was in Iraq. I was so in love with him, even though I wouldn't admit it till he got home. Before life seemed to make me want to grow up really quickly. Do you know this feeling?

I would like myself back now, please.

Hi. It's been a while.
I don't know much of what to say. I've been debating writing anything. So I decided to read some of the old posts. Whatever I had of 2008 and the whole of 2007.
I can't believe how much has changed, as well as how little. Some of it was so inspiring to me, how mature and open I was to things and the decisions I'd made. Some of it made me realize how little I've done to really improve my state of mind. I let myself get taken over by my emotions so much. I've been that way a good amount recently. And I'm tired of letting some guy rule my emotions so much. Especially when it won't last past the next few days when he leaves.
I'm tired of crying so much. But when one thing happens that makes me sad, the rest of the things that I keep out of my mind as much as possible just come right to the front and make everything so much worse. It's a nice domino effect.
I need to focus on being here, in Shadowcliff, enjoying all the options this place povides to me. I need to go outside more often and hike and play in the water. I need to focus on making myself happy, even though that sounds terribly selfish out of context. But the thing is, I haven't been happy. Not really. Not in a while. Only in little spurts here and there. Nothing that seems as lasting as it should be. So I need to get back to that. It takes a lot of work when you have so much crap you have to look past or work through to get there. Being happy just to be, that is. There are plenty of distractions available. They guy is only a distraction from bigger issues. Ha. Never figured I'd be the girl with daddy issues, but here I am. Somewhere, even if it is only subconsciously, you know the distractions aren't really making you happy. They just distract you from being unhappy. And meanwhile, I know what I'm missing out on doing with myself and what time I'm wasting here.
So I know what I need to do. Now I have to make myself do it. It's not so easy controlling your emotions, especially when they are not happy emotions. Those are always the hardest to reign in. But I'm going to make an effort. Every day is different though.

Ok, so I've been neglecting updating. Can you blame me when I've only been back in Colorado for a week and am soaking everything back up?

I have been here a week and a day now and things are feeling just as good as they did when I left. For the most part. I have sad moments, but how could I not? I think things are going well. I'm loving being with everyone out here again. And I'm doing things that feel productive and worthwhile. Plus it's still beautiful. There was this interesting fog out on Shadow Mountain Lake this morning. Very cool looking. I'll be putting pictures on my Facebook in the next couple days. Plus some of the Tonahutu trail I walked yesterday. Gorgeous.
I'm missing friends and family from home of course. It was really nice to see everyone while I was home. Plus a whole lot of comforting. I wish you all could just come out here and stay Spring at the beginning of September. You have no idea how excited I am about this. I can't wait for mom to see this place. She's going to love it. And we won't be apart anymore. I really don't like being away from mom. We talk every day which is great, but it can only abate her loneliness (and to some extent, mine) to a certain degree. She's generally doing ok though. Staying busy with friends and things. But we all know nights are hard. We've cried a bit over the phone together. But her weekends are what she looks forward to. This weekend she and Spring are headed out to Pittsburgh to see Tracy. That will be lots of fun. For everyone involved.
Anyway, back to Shadowcliff. I have to tell you about this amazing woman I've been talking to for a while now. She and her daughter, Brianna, are staying for this week. unfortunately Maria (the woman) has had TERRIBLE altitude sickness. We brought her to the hospital today to get some help with that. She got oxygen and some fluids plus some meds and now she's back and certainly doing better but nowhere near perfect.
Anyway, her 8 year old daughter Brianna is wonderful. She's very intelligent, very independent and just pretty awesome. She's very talented at drawing and just creative things in general too. And well behaved. Everyone tended to be worried that she was spending the past couple days hanging out in Shadowcliff alone, her mom not even able to check on her or even ask about her. It seemed almost odd in a wrong way that she was so independent. What was with her mom? Did she not care?
I ended up talking with Maria while she was laying on a couch downstairs. We started talking about how the girls were brought up without a lot of sheltering about worldy affairs. They know all about the Rawandan genocide, the Holocaust, Iraq, people like Ghandi and Mother Theresa and why they were important, all about gay, bisexual, and transgendered people (of whom they have many friends) all sorts of things. On her first day of 1st grade Brianna got in trouble for talking to kids on the playground about Rawanda. I thought that was interesting. So what if they didn't fit the mold? They were more intelligent for it. Teachers would tell her it wasn't appropriate material for her to know, but when exactly is the right time to tell your child about the sorrows of the world? When they are young and more open to understanding them and really think about what you're saying, or when they're older and jaded and more focused on what clothes to buy because they've learned that's what's really important?
We talked about a bunch of things. Mostly of their history and things about how they didn't fit into society's mold and why and why society is so effed up in the first place. Maria herself traveled a lot growing up and she lived in Canada for a while. Her did is still a complete hippy. Her mom was from South Africa. She married right out of high school and had Rachel, the older sister, right away. Rachel has Aspergers' which is a form of high functioning autism. And she never let her think this was a disadvantage. Never told the schools that she had it. So she's never been put into special ed. In fact, she's in the accelerated classes and is an A student. And currently she is conquering her hygiene fears by doing a wilderness survival camp in the mountains, which is why they are up here. Maria and her husband divorced, got remarried and divorced again. Now Maria is finishing up college at 32, having started at 29 when she knew she needed to do things for her own good instead of her husbands'. And to show her girls how to live for themselves. That life is not just marriage and divorce.
We talked about so many things I can't even tell you all of it. But Maria and her kids are some awesome people. Not because they've had the perfect life, but because they've gone through a lot of shit and come out the better for it. And yeah, Brianna is an independent little thing, but it's not for a really bad reason. Her mother loves her and cares for her, but is not your typical, conventional mom. And what's so wrong with that? Brianna will some day be one of those most interesting people you've ever met. People will remember her and how awesomely different she is. She's already a pretty cool kid. One who knows no limitations to what she can do. On her first day of kindergarten she got in trouble for teaching other little girls how to wrestle because a little boy came up saying girls weren't allowed to do that. Brianna, thinking he was making fun of them (which he was, I'm sure) immediately ended up breaking his nose while he busted her lip. When Maria was called to the school, Brianna's response was a long speech about "Well mom, I didn't think it was right that he said we couldn't do those things. But we really were. And he shouldn't have made fun of us." The principle, while reprimanding her (and her only, the boy got off scott-free) was trying to hide his laughter as well.
Overall, it was a great time. I wish I could do it more justice. I just love the experiences here.

Basic update.
We're headed up to Tinley Park this afternoon for my cousin's high school graduation party. We were originally planning on leaving around 12. That went out the window. :)
Things have been going ok here. Getting a lot of legal stuff and thank you cards done. Finally. So many of them.
I started writing in my journal about it. That was hard. But it was getting to me when I didn't. I'll be finishing this one soon. Already. I wrote all the time in Colorado. And everything with dad will fill the last 1/4 of it.
Working on getting back into a regular sleep schedule. Slowly. I'm going back to work at the Alamo II next week, just to make a few monies while I'm still home. But in the end I only work for 4-5 days. Oh well. They'll take me.
Heading back to Colorado on July 4th. I can't wait! But I'm also trying to concentrate on living in the moment and enjoying my time here. I love my mom and really don't mind living with her. But she said from the beginning I need to go back. And I know if I didn't I'd come to resent it. Still feel a bit guilty about leaving though. But I will love it once I'm out there. Mom will be coming to visit some time in September. It'll be awesome!
Ok, now to go work on this leaving thing for real. Packing!

The visitation today was so good. So good. There were tons of people. There was a line around the corner of the room for 2 hours straight. It was wonderful to see how many people knew and cared about dad. Dad's spirit was so full there that it was like he was just there with all of us. We had 7 crammed photo boards and a slide show running, plus his favorite music playing over the speakers. So many people love us and support us and helped with everything. It really was a happy day for me. I don't think it could've gone any better.
I don't think it's set in yet that when Sunday comes, dad won't be coming back from wherever he's been. Cause that's what it feels like right now. That dad is gone temporarily and will return when all the hullabaloo is over. It will eventually sink in. And it won't be so nice.
But today was good. I spent most of the day laughing and smiling. Not too much crying.

Dad died Tuesday evening around 6. I got home yesterday night, late. There wasn't much that could've been done differently. Mom and Linda were right there with him and he was at home in bed. It couldn't have been better unless I'd been there. But they told him how much I loved him. And he knew anyway.

Visitation Friday 4-8. Carmody-Flynn Williamsburg Funeral Home. 1800 Eastland Dr. Bloomington.

Memorial Service 11am Saturday, same place. Food at our place afterwards. No gravesdie service or anything. Dad wanted to be cremated and we'll be going up to Rockford for graveside stuff.

I love it here. Everything about it. I can't even fit it all in. And now my heart is breaking that I must leave. I will be home by tomorrow evening. Dad is not well and the doc said I should come home. My heart is not yet breaking for dad. It will have plenty of time for that later. Right now all I can think about is Shadowcliff and everything about it. And on top of it all, Lee and I were finally something. Just starting off. And now I must go.

No crying tonight, though. We're going to have fun.

Well, I've done so much in the last week or so that it's hard to keep track of it all. I've worked really hard, hiked a couple trails, drank with fellow staff, made some good connections. Today Lee, James, and I went to go up the Green Mountain, but the trail was covered over in snow. We wanted to see the Big Meadow which will later be covered in wildflowers (mid June). Lee and I want to stay the night up there some time. Thought it would happen today, but we just decided to hike it instead. Which was great because there was no going up there without some arctic snow gear. :) We got about 5 minutes in and had enough. Turned around and did a lower trail till just now when we got back. It was the river trail which runs along the Colorado. Very pretty indeed. Here the Colorado is not that huge. Not like in the Grand Canyon.
All the staff here are so great. We had a staff party in Riverbend Cabin over the weekend. When there's no one in the cabins we can party in there privately. Or on the third floor of Cliffside, which is the second lodge, if there's no one in the 2nd floor. Last night we had margaritas on the point with a nice fire. We made margaritas for dinner and had lots of left overs. Very tasty.
I'm the oldest one here, funny enough. I'm 3 months older than Russ, who just got out of the Navy 3 weeks ago. Lee is 21, since April. Miriam and James are both 20. And Regina, who gets here on the 1st, is 19. Good lord. But she has her birthday in June. I feel old, yet not. It's not a bad thing. Just surprising to me. I'm never the oldest.
As for the boys here... Well, everyone but me it seems has a boy or a girl somewhere. Russ and Regina actually have a thing togther. They've known each other for a while and would be considered as such if they were ever in the same state. Might help. Lee has a "kind of" girlfirend in California. They were somewhat dating before the summer, but have done the whole, it's open, one day at a time thing. He's said he doesn't really see it going anywhere. But that it could last a while. Though I have to say, Lee and I seem to be building a great realtionship. At least as a friendship. And yes, I suppose I do have a crush on him. But I won't do anything about it because of his girl. But if he makes the move, I wouldn't mind. And I think it might indeed happen. I would certainly enjoy it, though I'm not sure how I'd feel about being the "other woman". Sort of.
Anyway, that's life here. And oh, it's gorgeous here. All the time. It's like a little bubble that I wish I didn't have to leave. But I miss everyone at home. I have friends here and all, but I miss my other peoples. Hope you are all doing well!